Friday funny

Ok, so I'm a day late for the Friday funny, but it doesn't really matter, because no matter what day it is, it's still funny.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: MY name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... use your imagination!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

Hope you had a good laugh.

You can bank on security

Yesterday I heard a news story about the National Bank here in NZ implementing a security dress code for customers using their branches.

They have announced that they are banning Hoodies (hooded jumpers), beanies & balaclava's, and helmets to be worn inside their branches. Anyone caught wearing these items inside the bank, will be asked to remove it so that their face is visible.

I think it is a great idea to improve security & to reduce the robbery rate. I wonder how long it will take for the other banks to follow suit.

Flex

I've been posting a few video clips lately; I get a few of them through the email, and a few of them really are worth sharing. I'm actually thinking of starting a video blog.

I had a friend whose nickname was flexi-man. Well the man in this video certainly does suit that name.

WARNING - This video contains twisting body parts.

Eat Your Vegies

It seems that men today are not eating their veggies.

A 2006/7 survey of more than 17,000 people has found that the proportion of men eating enough vegetables, declined by 7.3 percentage points to 56% from the last survey taken in 2002/03.

So it would seem that the majority of men are meat eaters more than veggie eaters.

I have to admit that I certainly do prefer my meat over veggies. At potluck dinners or serve yourself, I often find myself going for twice the amount of meat than veggies; even to the fact that if I don't get veggies, I'm not to concerned about it. Thankfully my wife, Jo, knows the great importance of regular veggie eating, & we have at least 3 servings of veggies with our evening meal most nights. Thank God for the women in our lives.

Will you admit to being guilty of not eating enough veggies, or do you actually make sure you get your daily serve of veggies.

One man who was surveyed who was a veggie eater, added that the old myth of "eating enough veggies will put hairs on you chest", he has found to be a fallacy! Eating veggies for 35 years has not done him any good.

Perhaps, that's WHY we don't eat our veggies!

Test Your Reaction Time

Getting old, are you?

Reflexes slowing down?

The Highway Code says the average driver's reaction time is:
.75 seconds

-or-

1 car length for every 10 mph...



Test your reaction time with this special test.

Click on the link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

Employee of the month

Now that's what I call dedication to the job, although why the person didn't use their lap; after all, it is a laptop.

Have a Shay Day

What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces. So rather than sending this out by email, I'm posting it on my blog.

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.


May your day, be a Shay Day.






Technorati Tags: People Stories

The feminine side of Bart Simpson

Did you know that the voice of Bart Simpson is actually a women?? Nancy Cartwright was interviewed by Australian personality Rove McMannus. Take a look at the video clip below & let me know what you think.







Technorati Tags: Bart Simpson - Nancy Cartwright - Video's

Amazing Hug

READ THIS BEFORE WATCHING THE VIDEO:

THIS WOMAN IN THE VIDEO FOUND THIS LION INJURED IN THE FOREST READY TO DIE.
SHE TOOK THE LION WITH HER AND NURSED THE LION BACK TO HEALTH. WHEN THE
LION WAS BETTER SHE MADE ARRANGEMENTS WITH A ZOO TO TAKE THE LION AND GIVE
IT A NEW AND HAPPY HOME.

THIS VIDEO WAS TAKEN WHEN THE WOMAN AFTER SOME TIME WENT TO GO VISIT THE
LION TO SEE HOW HE WAS DOING.
WATCH THE LION'S REACTION WHEN HE SEES HER. AMAZING!!!!!









Technorati Tags: Video - Animals

Just two dollars

What does it mean for you?

Over the last week, I've seen two very different scenario's of what the two dollar coin can mean to people.

In the first scenario, I saw a young bloke in the city sitting down on the pavement, with his head down, a handkerchief next to him, and a cardboard sign next to him with these words, "Can you spare a coin?". Obviously a man in desperate need, where even the smallest amount means so much; I gave him a two dollar coin out of my wallet.

The second scenario is this; a young lady walking on the same sidewalk as the above man was sitting (a different day and the man wasn't there), when all of a sudden a two dollar coin drops out of her hand & lands by her feet. She looks down at the coin, hesitates for a second, then continues on her way, leaving the coin on the ground.

When I saw this, I went back to my car to unload what I was carrying, then returned about a minute later & picked up the coin which obviously no one had noticed lying on the ground,and put it in my wallet. I figured if she doesn't want to bend down & pick it up then I will.

So, one two dollar coin, two different people; one so much in need, the other too lazy to bend down & pick it up.

What would you do? Have you seen anything similar?



Technorati Tags: Two Dollars - Money - People